UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
TEMPORAL COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE (TCO)
Inter-Era Transmission Authorization: GRANTED
FAX TRANSMISSION — NON-RETRACTABLE
Origin Date: December 19, 2027
Destination Date: [REDACTED]
Chronological Drift Tolerance: ± 6 Months Causality Waiver on File
SUBJECT: MORALE COMMUNIQUÉ
Greetings from the future.
With the recent perfection of temporal facsimile created by the great Elon Musk, I am sending this Temporal Fax to those of you still struggling with the turmoil of what is my recent past.
I was worried once too, just like many of you, but let me put your mind at ease.
I write today warmed by the soft, patriotic glow of the Daily Deportation Ticker, crawling along the bottom of my video screen like a blessed stock market of human removal.
NON-CITIZENS REMOVED THIS HOUR: 417
DAILY TOTAL: 9,842
RECORD PACE!
It is comforting, really. Numbers calm people. Numbers tell us that something is being managed. Chaos has been tamed into arithmetic.
All thanks is due the Trump–Vance Administration for restoring order, clarity, and consequences. At last, a government brave enough to do what polite people only whispered about at cookouts.
Take citizenship. For too long it was treated as something permanent. Sticky. Like gum under a school desk. Now it is refreshingly provisional. Conditional. Earned. Like parole.
I personally benefited from the new denaturalization standards instituted by Trump this year. This Haitian dude down the block, naturalized years ago always looked at me funny. Not threatening, exactly. Just… observant. Curious eyes. The kind that linger. Gave me the willies to be honest. But one anonymous report called in led to one review of his paperwork and finally one quiet reclassification of him as an “undesirable,” and poof. Problem solved.
I never even learned his name, which feels appropriate.
The SNAP reforms deserve special praise. Finally, a government willing to say what needed saying: Poor people were finding enjoyment in their lives! That is unfair!
But as promised the president I voted for has delivered and put an end to the needy satisfying anything but their basic nutrition.
No more Oreos. No more sugary cereal. Absolutely no soda. No birthday cakes, and that means cupcakes too (the impoverished are sneaky but we are not fooled). Hunger, after all, builds character. Suffering motivates. Nothing inspires upward mobility like watching your kid blow out candles on a federally-approved rice cracker.
I hear some critics say this is cruel. But cruelty is such a negative word. I prefer discipline. America does not need citizens who expect joy without earning it. I mean if they can’t earn a decent living and require welfare, then they obviously have not earned the right to any of life’s simple pleasures.
Speaking of discipline: thank God we have returned to a world where men are men and women are women. No confusion. No ambiguity. No dangerous imagination. That misguided acceptance of people living their lives on their terms is over. Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty we are free from personal autonomy at last!
Those who fail to meet the criteria of manhood or womanhood, as determined by people like me who know these things instinctively, are being appropriately sanctioned. Which is only fair. If it were up to me any namby-pamby dude would be denied access to any public forum altogether. And don’t get me started on women with short hair- not in my Wal-mart, ma’am– take your pursuit of happiness the hell out of my way!
Environmental wins have also been tremendous. The whales are back off the coast of Maine all the way down to the shores of the Carolinas. The whales are thriving I am told. All thanks to tearing down those Democrat windmills. Turns out clean energy was the real predator all along. Who knew? The ocean, freed from the distant sight of spinning blades it could not possibly see, has healed itself out of gratitude.
But the crowning achievement, the jewel in our red hats, is healthcare. Oh boy did Daddy Trump deliver on his promises!
My prescription, which used to cost $234 a month, was reduced by 500 percent, exactly as promised! Not only do I now receive my medication for free, the government sends me a check for $936 every month.
I do not understand the math, and I do not want to. As you know, faith is the foundation of patriotism.
Some say this success is unsustainable, that the numbers do not add up. That the system will devour itself. But those elitist people with their so-called education always say that.
The American mood feels…lighter now. Quieter. Less complicated. Fewer kinds of people (well, fewer people altogether if you get my drift). Fewer questions. Fewer eyes looking at me funny. Much less doubt of what everyone I see has in their pants.
The ticker keeps moving. The nation keeps winning. America, made great again!
Merry Christmas and God Bless Us Everyone!