Only for the Right People, the Best People
Preamble
We, the Rightful and Righteous Beneficiaries of American Greatness, in solemn assembly and under divine contract with History, do hereby reclaim the sacred parchment of Liberty from the clutches of reason, dissent, and minority opinion. In pursuit of a more compliant populace, the preservation of elite comfort, and the uninterrupted worship of Our Glorious Leader, we consecrate these Articles of Freedom (Revised Edition). Let it be known, henceforth and forevermore, that Truth is negotiable, Power is eternal, and Equality the right of all men* —unless otherwise determined by executive feeling.
*This is not some lazy generic use of “men” to mean all people- nope, it’s men. Women are lucky to have Trump since he is the Fertilization President and don’t even get him started on the drag queens.
Amendment I – Freedom of Speech (Terms and Conditions Apply)
Citizens may enjoy freedom of speech, unless they say mean things about Donald J. Trump, his family, or his hair.*
¹Fake news outlets will be prosecuted in the court of public opinion (see: Truth Social comments section).
Amendment II – The Right to Bear Arms (Make America Armed Again)
Everyone has the right to own a firearm, especially if they yell “freedom” loud enough and buy the limited-edition Trump signature holster.*
²This right may be suspended if you support background checks, voted blue, or forgot to stand during the Pledge.
Amendment III – Quartering of Troops (and Don Jr.’s Podcast Team)
No soldier shall be quartered in any house unless the property is owned by Trump Org.*
³Hosting influencers and Trump family members does not count as quartering if you charge a premium and call it “VIP access.”
Amendment IV – Unreasonable Searches (Unless You’re Brown and Have Tattoos)
The people shall be secure in their persons, houses, and effects unless they look suspicious.*
⁴Suspicion is defined as “anything that feels wrong to Donald,” including but not limited to: baggy pants, rainbow flags, and criticizing police.
Amendment V – Due Process (Unless You Look Guilty Which, Let’s Admit It, You Probably Do)
No person shall be deprived of life, liberty, or property without due process* unless they were caught looking guilty, speaking Spanish, or posting something unflattering on social media. All legal protections are waived if Donald just doesn’t like your vibe, you write for the New York Times, or if there’s a campaign to fund.
⁵Due process may be replaced with a Truth Social poll or a gut feeling during Hannity’s monologue.
Amendment VI – Fair Trial, Trump Style
All accused persons shall enjoy the right to a speedy trial by a jury of Mar-a-Lago members.*
⁶“Speedy” is defined as however long it takes to post the mugshot and fundraise off it.
Amendment VII – Civil Suits and Political Settlements
In suits at common law, where the value in controversy exceeds $20, the right to trial by jury* shall be preserved except when the lawsuit involves Trump himself, in which case the court is rigged, the judge is corrupt, and the jury was obviously bribed by George Soros.
Litigants should expect delays, denials, and social media based countersuits.
⁷In Trump-related cases, “jury of your peers” means fellow defendants and meme lords approved by Co-President Musk.
Amendment VIII – Cruel and Unusual? Try Patriotic and Effective
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted unless the accused is poor, foreign, protest-y, affiliated with the Associated Press or already trending on conservative media. Waterboarding is now rebranded as “Enhanced Loyalty Testing.”*
⁸Punishments may include public shaming, deportation, or indefinite Mar-a-Lago service shifts.
Amendment IX – Rights Retained by the People (The Secret Menu of Presidential Privilege)
Rights not listed here shall not be denied to Trump, including the right to rule by Truth Social and declassify documents via séance*.
⁹Also includes retroactive immunity, presidential infallibility, and VIP parking at the Capitol.
Amendment X – State’s Shall Govern Themselves (But Better Obey)
The powers not delegated to the United States are reserved to the states except when the governor didn’t kiss the ring, disagree with election lies, or approve the latest Trump statue.* States are free to govern themselves unless they govern incorrectly or yell at Trump during speeches to Congress or the governor didn’t endorse Trumps latest ridiculous proposal, in which case federal intervention is both necessary and patriotic.
¹⁰Also includes Trump’s exclusive right to override state law via angry tweet, psychic declassification, or rally crowd size.