Let us all take a moment—hats off, hand over heart—to thank President Donald J. Trump, our glorious deal-maker-in-chief, for once again saving us from the horrors of rational economic policy.
Today, in an act of pure genius that only a fourth-dimensional chessmaster like Trump could conjure, he heroically reversed course on all his disastrous tariffs… except for China, of course. Because we’ve gotta show China. That’s leadership, folks. That’s steel spine energy.
And don’t worry—it’s not a flip-flop. It’s a strategic 90-day ultra-patriotic freedom pause. You wouldn’t understand. You’re not a stable genius.
Tariffs Were Great, Until They Weren’t, But They Still Are
Let’s be honest: these tariffs were an unqualified success if your goal was to increase costs for Americans, strain supply chains, alienate allies, and make U.S. manufacturers cry into their shredded balance sheets. And now that they’ve done their job—namely, nothing—our president has wisely decided to roll them back.
Except for China. Because China.
We don’t negotiate with pandas.
And if you think this is some kind of admission that the tariffs were useless, self-defeating, and economically illiterate from the start, you clearly didn’t hear Press Secretary Tammy Twinkleblazer when she said Trump has “a spine of steel.” Steel, baby. Imported at a 25% markup thanks to—you guessed it—Trump’s own tariffs.
A Bold and Brave Retreat
This isn’t caving. This isn’t submission. This is tactical brilliance disguised as groveling failure.
When other leaders reverse policy, it’s called backpedaling. When Trump does it, it’s dominance.
You just don’t see the game he’s playing because you can’t think like our Genius in Chief. Your thoughts are all mucked up, like a red necktie clashing with an orange face.
He’s not abandoning tariffs. He’s domesticating them. He’s leading them into the sunset with a firm handshake and a non-disclosure agreement. He grabbed those tariffs by the…well, definitely by something.
And Don’t Forget the Penguins
But what truly sets this moment apart—what defines this administration’s profile in courage—is that never again will America be conned by those godless, scheming penguins. In an act of civil discretion, Trump didn’t name them directly, but we all know. We’ve seen March of the Penguins. We’ve seen Happy Feet. The signs were there all along.
No more cheap tuxedos, no more sliding around like they own the ice. America is done being manipulated by charismatic seabirds with foreign agendas. We’re putting America’s fish supply first.
Let this be a lesson to the puffins, too.
Hypocrisy is Heroism
So thank you, Mr. President. Thank you for rescuing American businesses by setting the economy on fire and then with sheer courage, stepping up and dousing the flames.
Thank you for teaching us that economic failure can be rebranded as “tough love.”
Many thanks for teaching all of those idiots who could not comprehend that negotiation is non-negotiation and consumer suffering is consumer relief.
Thank you for proving that you can be both shameless and celebrated, clueless and worshipped, utterly wrong and still somehow right—because nothing matters if you say it with enough volume and lapel flags.
You are our light in the darkness!
Our economic messiah!
Our very stable tariff genius!
And to those who think this all makes Trump look like a coward, a fraud, a conman, a flip-flopper, an empty suit stuffed with slogans, a walking contradiction in big boy pants, a grifter cosplaying as a patriot, a hollow demagogue in search of applause—well, they’re probably penguins.