THE WHITE HOUSE
OFFICIAL PRESIDENTIAL PROCLAMATION
Liberation Day
Issued this day by the Supreme Negotiator, First of His Name, Donald J. Trump
WHEREAS, the American people have long enjoyed the luxuries of affordable goods, functioning trade relationships, and basic economic literacy;
WHEREAS, such conveniences have been deemed un-American, weak, and entirely too globalist for our current national aesthetic;
WHEREAS, under the bold leadership of Myself, Donald J. Trump—billionaire, tariff wizard, and occasional steak salesman—we have taken decisive action to impose tariffs on foreign goods, thus heroically raising prices on everything from microwaves to mayonnaise;
WHEREAS, these tariffs have successfully liberated billions of dollars from hardworking Americans, transferring those funds to corporate subsidies, offshore accounts, and decorative gold-plated golf carts;
WHEREAS, the American people, though confused, continue to salute and cheer as their wages stagnate and grocery bills balloon, a clear sign that our messaging strategy is still effective;
NOW, THEREFORE, I, DONALD J. TRUMP, 47th President of the United States (and rightful winner of all previous elections), do hereby proclaim this day:
LIBERATION DAY
A celebration of economic hardship in the name of nationalist cosplay,
A tribute to paying more and getting less,
A solemn reminder that in America, the confidence game is now draped in a flag.
Let the people rejoice! Let the markets tremble!
And let the history books—or what’s left of them—remember this as the day America stood tall, opened its wallet, and shouted:
“Thank you, sir. May I pay another?”
Signed with the Sharpie of Liberty,
Donald J. Trump
Self-Certified Genius, Commander-in-Chief of Economic Illiteracy, First Emperor of the Tariff Kingdom, Winner of All Elections (Even the Fake Ones), Patriot-in-Chief of the Grifting States of America