Remember those five words. I wonder how many of you can match the raw neurological power of our current president. Some of those words have multiple syllables, so concentrate folks.

The five words our beloved very stable genius, President Donald J. Trump, crushed with godlike precision in his latest Montreal Cognitive Assessment (MoCA) triumph were certainly different, but it doesn’t matter. Our Bigly King got a perfect score, again. A feat only achievable by the finest minds in history—or anyone who has ever successfully walked into a supermarket without drooling on themselves.

But let’s not diminish this achievement.

This is brilliance, folks. The real deal.

He looked at a lion, a rhino, and a camel—and named them all without hesitation. Not once did he say “Big Cat,” “Desert Horse,” or “Very Dangerous Elephant That’s Probably Chinese.” Nope. Drumpf just nailed it.

He Knew It Was Friday!

This isn’t your run-of-the-mill intelligence test.

This is serious business.

This is the kind of test where they ask challenging questions like:

  • “What day is it?”
  • “Where are you right now?”
  • “Draw an analog clock showing 6:00”
  • “Count backwards from 100 by sevens.”

And Trump didn’t just pass—he soared. He crushed it!

Sure, he had to put his Happy Meal aside long enough to remember what a clock looks like. And no doubt, he had to resist the urge to call the neurologist a “libtard” when asked to repeat those five words.

But he did it. He showed up and earned his lollipop.

He drew that clock. He remembered those words. He found the elephant.

Truly, this is what the founding fathers dreamed of when they envisioned a leader:

A man who knows what day of the week it is, can say 378 backwards and can tell the difference between a square and a circle.

A Cognitive Powerhouse

We should be grateful—blessed—to have a president who is not only capable of recognizing a cube and subtraction, but one who brags about it like he just solved unified field theory while juggling gold bars on a unicycle.

In Trump’s mind, this isn’t a basic screening for dementia.

It’s an IQ test, SAT, Mensa application, Nobel Peace Prize interview, and presidential fitness exam all rolled into one.

And he passed. With a perfect score! 30 out of 30, baby!

Because that’s what gifted people do.

They ace basic cognitive screenings and tweet about it like they cured cancer.

So Let’s Celebrate the Genius

Let’s raise a golden chalice filled with Diet Coke and toast the only man in history who thinks remembering simple words for less than 10 minutes, being able to tell time without those cool light-up numbers and not wandering into traffic is proof of a massive intellect.

Let’s thank him for reminding us that cognition is really, really hard to master.

And let’s now circle back to where we began.

Do you remember those five words?

Take a moment.

Say them out loud. Really savor them:

Person. Genius. Elephant. Dictator. Golf.

If you remembered all five, congratulations, you too might be qualified to run the country!*

*May require ignoring subpoenas, threatening judges, and bragging about identifying a bunny rabbit. No knowledge of basic economics and tariffs required.