Congratulations to President Donald J. Trump on the greatest nine months in the history of the presidency. Truly, what a time to be alive — assuming, of course, you can still afford to be.
Congratulations, Mr. President, even though inflation is at its highest since February. Prices are soaring like your poll numbers in your mind. It takes real leadership to make us nostalgic for the dollars former value.
Congratulations again, even though grocery prices are out of control. Milk is a luxury and ground beef now requires a co-signer. Yet somehow, through sheer willpower and frequent golfing, you have convinced millions this is winning.
“We had the worst inflation in the history of our country, and now we don’t have inflation. It’s at 2%. It’s– it’s the perfect inflation.”
donald j trump manifesting the reality he wants and ignoring facts like inflation is at 3%, highest since february
Congratulations, too, on the government shutdown, truly a bold innovation in governance. Some say it’s chaos, but we see it for what it is: downtime for democracy. Sure, the GOP holds the majority and could end it any time they wish, but you’re owning the libs!
“Look. It was a defective plan put into line by Barack Hussein Obama, who was a lousy president, not nearly as bad as Biden, by the way, who by the way is building a museum that’s, like, four times over budget. It’ll never open, built in a neighborhood that– you know, it’s just not gonna work. The neighborhood doesn’t even want ’em.”
donald j trump explaining why health care costs will soar and why it isnt his fault and cant you people just stop whining?
And let’s not forget those attacks on American cities. A lesser man might take responsibility. You, sir, take aim. History will remember how bravely you fought against your own country.
Construction costs are through the roof (oh, the pun was intended), but who needs housing when we can all live rent-free in your head? The economy is crumbling like the East Wing, yet you stand tall as the only man who can bankrupt optimism and call it a renaissance.
Meanwhile, the rest of the world is laughing at us. And why shouldn’t they? Comedy this rich hasn’t been seen since the fall of Rome. America is definitely first. We are number one in international punchlines.
And finally, congratulations on murdering people on boats and laughing about it. It takes a rare kind of confidence to mix tragedy with applause. Nero fiddled; you livestream.
“They also– if you take a look, they emptied their mental institutions and their insane asylums– into the United States of America, ’cause Joe Biden was the worst president in the history of our country”
Donald j trump (who definitely doesnt have an obsession with joe biden)
So here’s to you, Mr. President. Here’s to the man who turns disaster into branding, collapse into content, and cruelty into campaign strategy.
Huzzah, Mr. President! The ship’s on fire, the band’s still playing, and you’ve never looked more in command of the iceberg.